Nursing Gears

15 funny nurse jokes guaranteed to make you laugh!

We understand that as a nurse you have a high responsibility. You’re busy all day and it can be hard sometimes to actually enjoy you’re job and have a laugh. We’ve curated 15 funny nurse jokes that we hope will put a smile on your face.

Feel free to share among your friends and colleagues, they need it too.

#Joke 1

Three nurses died and went to heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

To the first, he asked, “What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?” “I was a nurse in an inner city hospital,” she replied. “I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor suffering city children.” “Very noble,” said St. Peter. “You may enter.” And in through the gates she went.

To the next, he asked the same question: “So what did you do on Earth?” “I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa,” she replied. “For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many peoples and tribes with a hand of healing and with a message of God’s love.” “How touching,” said St. Peter. “You too may enter.” And in she went.

He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, “So, what did you do back on Earth?” After some hesitation, she explained, “I was just a nurse at an HMO.” St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, “Okay, you may enter also.”

“Whew!” said the nurse. “For a moment there, I thought you weren’t going to let me in.”

“Oh, you can come in,” said St. Peter, “but you can only stay for three days….”

#Joke 2

A nursing assistant, a floor nurse and a charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room. In walks a lady dressed in silk scarves and wearing large polished-stone jewelry. “I am Gina the Great,” stated the lady. “I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!” With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.

The nurses quickly argued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish. Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. “I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need.” With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.

The floor nurse went next. “I wish I were rich and retired, and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well-groomed men feeding me cocoa and doughnuts.” With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.

“Now, what is the last wish?” asked the lady.

The charge nurse said, “I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break.”

#Joke 3

Q: Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers into work?

A: In case they have to draw blood.

#Joke 4

I went to casualty yesterday and said to the nurse, “I’ve been stung by a wasp, have you got anything for it?”

She asked, “Whereabouts is it?”

I said, “I don’t know, it could be miles away by now.”

#Joke 5

A lady went for a routine physical examination at the doctor’s office.

The nurse handed her a urine specimen container and said, “The bathroom is over there on your

right. The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.”

A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.

She said to the nurse, “Thanks, but they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all.”

# Joke 6

A skilled nurse died and arrived before St. Peter, who explained, “We have this little policy of allowing you to choose whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell.” “How do I know which to choose?” She asked. “That’s easy,” said St. Peter. “you have to spend a day in each place before making a decision.”

With that, he put the nurse on an elevator and sent her down to hell. The elevator doors opened and the nurse found herself in a sunny garden, where many former friends and colleagues warmly greeted her. She had a great time all day laughing and talking about old times. That night, she had an excellent supper in a fantastic restaurant. She even met the devil, who turned out to be a pretty nice guy. Before she knew it, her day in hell was over and she returned to heaven.

The day in heaven was okay. She lounged around on clouds, sang, and played the harp. At the end of the day, St. Peter came and asked for her decision. “Well, heaven was great and all,” the nurse said, “but I had a better time in hell. I know it sounds strange, but I choose hell.” With that, she got in the elevator and went back down.

When the doors opened, she saw a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. Her friends, dressed in rags, were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks. When the devil walked over, she said to him, “I don’t understand. Yesterday, this place was beautiful. We had a delicious meal and a wonderful time laughing and talking.” The devil smiled and said, “Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you’re staff.”

#Joke 7

The nurse who can smile when things go wrong…Is probably going off duty.

#Joke 8

QWhat did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?

A: “Some asshole has my pen!”

#Joke 9

A nurse sees a guy wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital so she stops him and asks what’s wrong.

He says, “I’m due to have an operation but I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.’”

The nurse says, “That’s okay, she was just trying to comfort you. What’s so frightening about that?”

The guy replies, “She was talking to the doctor!”

#Joke 10

Q: How do you know that a dead body found by the side of the road is a nurse?

A: Because its stomach is empty, its bladder is full, and its ass chewed.

#Joke 11

I was in hospital visiting my wife after her operation when the nurse suggested it might help if I adjusted my wife’s pillows to make it more comfortable.

She wasn’t wrong.

Taking my wife’s two pillows and putting them on my chair was a lot more comfortable.

#Joke 12

An old nurse is talking to her young colleague and says to her, “My new patient has the weirdest tattoo on his penis. It’s the word SWAN.”

The young nurse is intrigued and so she persuades the old nurse to swap patients with her so she can see the strange tattoo too.

Afterwards, the young nurse reports back to the old one, “You don’t read very well. The tattoo says SASKATOON SASKATCHEWAN.”

#Joke 13

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, “You have a cute baby.”

The smiling husband said, “I bet you say that to all new parents.”

“No,” she replied, “just to those whose babies really are good-looking.”

The husband again asked “So what do you say to the others?”

The nurse replied, “The baby looks just like you.”

#Joke 14

Did you hear about the nurse who died and went to hell?

It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn’t at work anymore!

#Joke 15

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Jane asked him if there was anything wrong, “Yes, Nurse Jane,” said Mr. Wallace. “My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.”

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, “Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.”

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Jane. ‘Mr. Wallace,’ she said, “You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.”

“But, Nurse Jane I can’t,” replied Mr. Wallace. “I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.”

“Yes,” said Nurse Jane, “you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?”

“Well,” he replied, “Today is the viewing.”

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